Fudge the resolutions: Don’t get caught up in the details

 

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Stand back and see the full picture
I know people love and hate their New Years resolutions but it never dawned on me that it was something of importance until I got older and started noticing that the people in the media kept asking about them, while people on Instagram and Facebook kept proclaiming them.
Today, I still find it pointless. Probably because I find that my goals are constantly changing and that everyday is a new day to have a goal.
Looking back on 2015 I realized that I never set any new years resolutions but that I did get a lot out of last year. I moved from the cold northwest to warm southeast in the United States and continued my education. I changed my major to something I really wanted to do. I got closer with my family after ironically moving on the other side of the country from my parents and somehow, I managed to eat better and like myself more. Not because I set any resolutions but because I straight up ask myself everyday, “what do you really want?” Then I take action, and hope for the best. Sometimes it works, most times not in the way I was expecting. I always forget about my goals but the bigger picture never leaves me: peace with myself, peace with the world (believe me I have had enough anxiety in my short 22 years to set peace as an everyday goal for the rest of my earthly journey).
I am very forgetful and will more than likely forget everything that I wrote here but I  am stubborn and will not let myself accept less than the willingness to try something out. Everyday I ask myself what I want and what I am willing to do to get it. Every action has a consequence. I say fudge the resolutions, and start living everyday with awareness. Try, try again, then try something else and stand back to see the full picture.

Anyone listening? (How hard can it be to write a blog no one wants to read)

 

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Is there a community of people who will respond to me and my shenanigans?
Is there a group of people who can relate to me?
I get along with many different groups of people but by the end of the day I am a loner and an introvert who thinks differently but does not express it.
I am no genius, nor am I a go getter.
I am a person in search of truth and love, and I have a feeling that I am different and will experince many things differently than my peers.
I don’t care all that much about politics, changing the world and looking perfect but I am subtly passionate about self-expression.
I tend to experience two types of moods: 1) stoic and standoffish with sprinkling pessimism 2) or contently eager life-experiencer.
I rarely experince satisfaction. Most of the time I am wandering why certain experiences can’t stir up any emotion in me while others hit me hard.
When I am laughing I am truly happy, blindly stupidly happy so I like to be around people who make me laugh and who have a sense of humor. If I can I’ll try to make them laugh.
I think I am very self-absorbed but preceptive and angrily humble.
I desire for peace and happiness so bad, but am left with the echo of silence and spurts of emotions.
My anger is sometimes hot and furious or a orchestra increasing tempo.
I think highly of myself but I cannot help but duck my head when the spotlight comes my way. I desire it badly but everytime it hits me a wave of guilt washes over me as the only thought that runs through my mind is that I didn’t deserve it. I don’t.
Happiness, did I ever really feel it? Joy is temporary so “joy” is probably what I felt.
I am scared all the time. Of the dark, people, my feelings, the opposite sex, wanting something. I have a lot of fear in me, yet, I feel almost invincible at times until it dwindles to cowardice.
Those close to me share my melancholy in life. I am very melancholy. I feel imperfect and fragile.
I really enjoy communication, I really enjoy expression. Art? I am good at art and it is what I do but I can rarely identify as an artist. I simply like to look at beautiful things. Art is what I must do in this lifetime. Its the only thing I am really good at according to success in the world.
I live in my head and in my dreams and fantasies. I experience my dreams and fantasies through thought, movies, tv, and books.
I like to indulge in sweets. Something simple like a cup of coffee, coco, or ice cream.
I don’t love myself, I rarely feel love for anything. I like myself and other people and things but love is hard for me to feel. Maybe love isn’t what the romance entertainmet says it is. Loyalty is more important than love. I don’t know what love is or feels like. Loyalty is something that I do understand. Sometimes I tell people I love them so they know that I care about them and will always be loyal to them but they would misunderstand because in this world love translates as something like a pink and red happy heart rather than “I am committed to us, I will always be here to listen.”
I feel distant but try to put on the right face so that others feel comfortable but I feel distant, unattached…
I feel…
I feel but no one understands why I feel the the way that I feel
I hardly understand it but I know that this feeling I feel will never go away.
Am I a bad person or am I a good person?
I’m not sure.
I have no desire to hurt people, only to tell the truth and live the truth but the truth is not a happy one, not a pretty one. Its kind of bland and depressing.